it’s like i’m pushing everyone away. my friends especially. i love my friends (some of them) but i feel like what is happening to me right now is none of their business. on the other hand, another part of me wants them to notice everything’s not alright and not just joke about it but actually ask me what’s wrong, why am i like this. so far only one friend said ‘you seem depressed’ but that’s it, like it was a joke. even my mom it’s some kind of joke. am i a joke?

Yesterday, about at 12am, I told my mom I had a dream where I was in a building with some random guys I didn’t know. I jumped off some kind of a wall and I fell and fell and fell, even though the ground was supposed to be there I still fell. Then I woke up, and after I told that to my mom I realized I was thinking about what would happen if someone fell or jumped down from the third floor on the mall, in front of all people. Just think about it, wouldn’t that be terrible? The people who don’t even know that person have to witness his/her death.

This conversation led us to the talk of suicide. My mom’s dad had tried to kill himself, my mom’s sister had tried to kill herself and even my mom had thought about killing herself. Her childhood wasn’t happy at all. We talked for hours and hours and hours and in the end I cried and we hugged for minutes and it was 2am when I finally went to sleep. After what she told me, I had a thought I had no reason to be sad or depressed, because everything was okay at home, my both parents love me and I should be happy. I am not allowed to be sad. These feelings I got when mom said a few days ago “You can’t be depressed”, assuming I thought I was but I couldn’t because I smile and laugh and I still have some power left in me. Mom knows what depression is, she does, but it’s not right to deny my problems. I love to talk to my mom about things but I just can’t talk about my problems, that’s why I need to go to psychologist or something. :|